Notes from my journal, two years ago tonight...
11-Sep-01
Twelve hours, and the world has changed.
Twelve hours of news, disbelief, tears, family, phones, instant messaging.
The U.S. military throughout the world placed on call, in active duty – the Coast Guard reserves to Marine Corps jarheads. Everyone.
Twelve hours ago, a passenger plane headed to California crashed in a World Trade Center tower. Running late, as usual, I towel-dried my hair to Matt Lauer and the Today Show. A girl on the phone, a witness, tried to describe the scene.
On the way to work, I heard reports that a plane hit the second tower. I’d originally thought it was an accident, the first plane, but now we know the planes were hijacked. Those and two others, one that struck the Pentagon and one that crashed in Somerset County, Pennsylvania.
I left work for a meeting at headquarters. I heard about the Pentagon and fires on the mall. The Capital and the White House evacuated. Clips from President Bush’s speech from Sarasota, Florida. I missed the speech during my stop in the office. I instant messaged Darren, a high school friend, in disbelief. I tried to find an online news radio station, but the sites were flooded, my computer timing out.
Before the meeting, I tried calling Amy – my cell phone failed to connect. Finally, she got through to me. A tower had crashed and she heard rumor of a car bomb at the State Department.
Edgy meeting. Many people failed to come to work and we accomplished little in comparing PSA tools, software packages. Finally, we left. Monica to another meeting, me back to work for another few minutes. To shut down, to leave. The CXOs told us to leave and rumors flew regarding the hijacked planes.
Both towers collapsed. Part of the Pentagon fell.
I tried calling everyone I knew. Amy, Mom, Scott at Dad’s, Kris, Penny, Cheryl, Autumn. The people I love. My phone seldom connected. I couldn’t get back to work. The roads blocked by security. I left my office open. I finally found Dr. Kris, on a metro headed out to her parents’ house with [our friend] Amy. They work downtown; Amy lives there. I worried about getting Kris home with roads, bridges, transportation closed.
Cheryl considered coming over, trying to find a safer place than Alexandria.
I got online and IM’d Joe Boyle, U.S. Coast Guard on call. I decided to head out to [my sister] Amy’s. Cheryl considered joining me but decided against it. I stopped for gas and an attendant filled my tank, full service by police order to speed transactions. Rumors of gas rations prevailed.
Strangely light traffic out to Amy’s. An accident or two. Many cops. The lock holding the roof in my Jeep popped, distracting me from the angry callers on C-SPAN radio. No planes flying into, out of Dulles. All U.S. airports closed, all flights grounded.
Amy’s house filled with children, toys and laughter. The horrific news background noise – a topic for adults, a boogeyman for children. Amy watched Natalie and Haley as their mom ran to the grocery. The girls playing with my loves, Mason and Delaney. Amy’s baby sat heavily on her pelvis. A little peace in a chaotic world.
Cell phones came and went. Land lines tied. Fires still raging in the Pentagon. Days before they can search for people in the World Trade Center. A call for blood, for medical personnel. And people complied, waiting four to five hours to give the only help they can. The frustration at not being able to help. The relief in the voices of friends and family.
The Asian stock exchange the lowest in 17 years, below the Dow for the first time since the 50s. The second Pearl Harbor in so many minds. The U.S. Stock Exchange to remain closed for the first time since the end of World War II. We’re all in shock. It can’t be real. Thousands dead, no estimates from any quarter.
Twelve hours, and the world has changed.
Palestinians, Afghanis jumping for joy. Cheering. Jeering.
We closed the borders between the U.S. and Mexico, U.S. and Canada. Have we ever done that? Does that violate NAFTA?
236 dead from the four hijacked planes. Planes taken by organized men, trained pilots with knives. How did they even get on the planes? Two from United, two American. Two from Boston, one from New Jersey, one from here – Dulles.
200 missing firemen, presumed dead. 78 policemen also lost. Injured officers fight to get back to the devastation, to do something, to do anything to help.
We still don’t understand. The victims don’t have names, faces. The hijackers remain unidentified. No group has come forward to claim the terrorist acts.
To see a passenger plane fly directly into a 110-story building. To see that plane stop, just stop, with the impact. The building just crumbled later this morning. Debris littering the streets for blocks, dust blocking the sun, billowing like smoke.
How do we get back to everyday life? Can we go back? Someday, this will sink in. A great sadness will settle upon this nation, and we will need to find a way through this.
###
I returned to work. On September 12, a couple of friends and I joined an internet-organized rally at the Capitol reflecting pool. People sang, lit candles, cried. It was disjointed, rather like the nation. I received a call from a volunteer organization and signed on to spend the night at the Pentagon hotline. I worked from midnight ‘til eight, performing some very basic administrative duties, things I knew how to do, things that helped, if only a little. I went home, showered and went to work. I went on with life.
Little more than a year later, we were terrorized again as someone in our nation’s capital, in my own backyard, indiscriminately shot and killed children, adults, strangers without anything in common. Although we would more likely die in a beltway car wreck than as a target of the beltway sniper, we all succumbed to fear. I had shopped at that Home Depot, half of my coworkers live in Manassas. I succumbed to fear.
I zig-zagged through parking lots, darting between cars and bushes, which I am very embarrassed to admit. I considered what errands I needed to run, whether or not I could go a day, a week, indefinitely without groceries. I pinned myself between the door and my car when filling up the tank and only when I couldn’t find a full-service station. I was scared.
I ran away. I ran all the way to Paris. And in the city of light, where I don’t speak the language and don’t know a soul, I felt safe. I walked the unfamiliar streets, visiting unfamiliar sights, eating unfamiliar foods ordered in an unfamiliar language. I felt more comfortable walking past prostitutes at four in the morning than I did at noon on Tuesday at home.
Though, by the time I returned, I’d almost forgotten my fear. Over lunch, I walked the block and a half to a camera shop (past a police station and a courthouse) to drop off my film. Looking around, I realized the streets were empty. Not a soul walking, driving, riding a bike on a beautiful, clear October day. My heart raged. The next day, the alleged snipers were caught: a 17-year-old boy and his guardian. Americans.
On this, the second anniversary of September 11, I muddled through the day, uncertain of how to feel, what to think. Last year, it seemed so much bigger, so much more real. I thought about what it meant to be an American. I can’t speak for anyone other than myself, but for me…
Being an American means growing up in a small town, tripping on the broken sidewalk, walking to the library, church and school. It means bake sales and yard sales and lemonade stands. Football games on Friday nights and chores on Saturday mornings. It meant living with my mom while my dad lived another life with another family in another town, finding my place in it.
Being an American means that I worry about my family, which is spread throughout the world. My sister with her beautiful, loving children and her beautiful, loving heart. My brother trying to save the world. My parents and grandparents. It means that my family includes more than that given me by God and blood, but also the people I’ve chosen to share my life.
Being an American means that I can run away to Paris when I’m scared. I can go by myself with my own passport and my own money and I can find my way around a city I don’t know, with a language I don’t know, and make friends. I have a job to come home to – a job where I might make less than an equally-skilled American man, but where I earn more than 99.21% of the world, as a 28-year-old girl.
Being an American means that I can call myself a girl and you have to call me a woman, treat me with respect, and know that I will do the same for you. Everyone has a story, a million stories, and given a chance, I would listen to yours.
Being an American means that I’m overweight and insecure. I have voluntarily starved myself in a nation of excess. I’m also beautiful and sexy and incredibly proud of growing older. I think that wrinkles give character, and I like that.
Being an American means driving down the highway with my roof down and my radio up listening to NPR, Eminem, Bon Jovi, Kylie Minogue, whatever I want. It means waving in a driver in front of me because I already know I’m going to be late and waving at the driver behind me who did the same.
Being an American means being nice to people, volunteering, helping, giving but sticking up for myself and knowing where to draw the line. It means that of the six recipes I have memorized, two are Mexican, one Indian and one Tunisian. It means that I know how to make my grandfather’s apple kuchen and my mother’s fettucine.
As I write this, I realize that I don’t what it means to be an American. I don’t know who I am or where I’m going, and I realize that this is one of the greatest freedoms of this country. I don’t have to know but I can figure it out for myself. My mom always told me I could be anything I want. This is the one country where that might be true.